fully clothed

You know those dreams you have where you suddenly find yourself exposed? I think they’re supposed to mean you’re feeling insecure about something. They don’t happen very often, but I had one last night. Most of my troubling dreams revolve around C these days. Me losing her, her running in to a street, her getting in to some medicine that I’ve left out (or as I dreamed about the other night, a baggie of white illicit drugs that I’d found in our car… what the..? I had no clue what that was about at first, then remembered a movie I watched recently that had that same plot line in the story. Oy.)

Anyway, as I was saying, the “exposed” dreams have been infrequent. Last nights dream still involved C, us at some large party for her, me needing to change her diaper but not being appropriately dressed to cross through the crowd without shame and embarrassment. My clothing alternated from black (a little black dress I’d tried on the other night, ecstatic to find it fits again) to white (some non-existent little white number my mind came up with) depending on when I looked down at my attire. But neither option would stay on right. If I stopped holding up and pulling down in the right places, embarrassment was certain. So I found myself struggling with this dress, trying to stay covered and meanwhile feeling completely dismayed that I couldn’t take care of C. My parents were there, shouting from across the room that I needed to change C’s diaper, and I’m trying to tell them I can’t, but the only way for them to hear me is for me to shout, too, which is nearly as mortifying as crossing the room in ill fitting attire that seemed to be fighting against me at each step.

The thing that was strange about all of this, is that except for one brief moment where a clothing mishap ensued, I was covered by a slip the entire time. One that was basically a short dress and provided full, if not a little snug and sheer, coverage. And my brain was even kind enough to throw in my nice long wool coat for some added modesty. But I still felt exposed. So, the embarrassment and mortification I felt was more about wearing the wrong thing than being completely disrobed. And maybe a little bit about having to choose whether I spent my efforts to cover myself or to take care of C.

There was a point in the dream where I was at a bar (C’s not in this part) and my dress was inexplicably off and in my hand. I shoved it in to the pocket of my coat, and then proceeded to lose my coat. I’m rushing around the bar, frantically searching for my coat (and dress), hoping no one will notice that I’m dressed only in a slip. The thing is, because the dress just wouldn’t stay on right, and because I was fully aware of this fact, I still felt defeated when I found the coat and dress.

Dreams are strange. Like a little window to the subconscious you didn’t know was there. Maybe this is all related to my being sick yesterday and (with a sigh of relief) having my parents step in to help with C. I was barely able to assemble an overnight bag for her without getting sick. I kept it together just barely long enough to get her our the door, then rushed back in to the sanctuary of our bathroom. Maybe it’s about realizing I can’t take it all on by myself all the time, despite how much I might want to or try. It’s tough to come face to face with your own limitations. Even tougher to accept them.

Look at me being all insightful today.

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Mom to "C", wife to Ben. I'm a part-time blogger, cook, organizer, seamstress, house cleaner, taxi, nurse (the mom kind), accountant... I could go on, but really... it's all in the blog. Read away!

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